Top 10 Most Unerotic Movie Sex Scenes

There are bad movie sex scenes and then there are bad movie sex scenes. Not all sex scenes are created equal and, despite the best intentions of the director or the participating actors, sometimes you just can’t wait for them to end. Whether they’re unintentionally awkward, painfully unerotic or featuring some seriously mismatched sexual chemistry, these are the sex scenes that no one wanted to see.

10. The Specialist – Sylvester Stallone & Sharon Stone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNMtfcjywR4

The Specialist was another forgettable entry from Sylvester Stallone’s dwindling 90s action career. He plays a former CIA agent turned bomb-making hitman who falls for his latest client, played by Sharon Stone. The two are a completely mismatched couple in every possible way, so when they finally get down to it in the bedroom the only hope is that it will all be over as quickly as possible. Sadly, The Specialist offers no such quick reprieve as the scene transitions to the two taking a horribly steamy and cheesy shower together. There is far too much focus on Stallone’s 50-year old bare ass and weirdly muscular back as he gropes and fondles a clearly uninterested Stone in what seems to be an endless shower room. Stallone said in interviews that Stone had to be drunk to film it, and we really can’t blame her.

9. Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead – Philip Seymour Hoffman & Marisa Tomei

Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead – Philip Seymour Hoffman & Marisa Tomei
Philip Seymour Hoffman was an undeniably superb actor, but that doesn’t mean any of us really wanted to see him in a sex scene with Marisa Tomei. Admittedly, their characters are supposed to be in a loveless marriage, but seeing his pale flabby body thrust away at Tomei from behind (accompanied by some all too real grunts and body flapping sound effects) is more than anyone really wanted to see of his acting talents.

8. Body of Evidence – Willem Dafoe & Madonna

Hot on the heels of the superior Basic Instinct a year before, this forgettable erotic thriller featured the bizarre matchup of Madonna and Willem Dafoe. It was yet another cinematic blunder made by the Queen of Pop as she completely fails to turn in a convincing femme fatale performance. The result is a movie with all the thrill and suspense of a late-night made for TV thriller. The sex scenes try and mix things up with some S&M which involves burning candle wax and a broken car windscreen, but neither party seems to be particularly in to it and the whole thing really just tries way too hard.

7. Colour of Night – Bruce Willis & Jane March

Colour of Night was another daft 90s erotic thriller which flopped in more ways than one. Bruce Willis plays a psychiatrist who is seduced by a mysterious young woman (played by Jane March) after a seemingly chance encounter. During one of their sexy encounters the pair fall into a pool and start getting it on underwater. The raunchy scene was controversial for showing full frontal shots of both March and Willis, but you soon realise how ridiculous the scene is when the two spend more time underwater than is strictly necessarily – especially when they start performing cunnilingus on each other. The wailing porno-lite jazz score in the background doesn’t really help, either. While the rest of the movie may be forgettable, seeing Willis’ flopping, bouyant genitilia isn’t something which is as easy to strike from memory.

6. In the Cut – Meg Ryan & Mark Ruffalo


Meg Ryan All Nude in In the Cut (2003) door david_rembrant

Meg Ryan shook off her girl next door reputation when she appeared in Jane Campion’s erotic thriller In the Cut. The movie attracted significant attention ahead of its release when it was announced that Ryan appeared fully nude in several steamy sex scenes, but the intense relationship between her sexually awakened school teacher character and Mark Ruffalo’s brusk detective feels way too mismatched. The dreary plot just keeps plodding along as Campion tries to give the slasher-killer premise an arthouse twist with sporadic scenes of grimy sex and naturalistic pillow talk. The movie doesn’t quite work and despite her best efforts Ryan just can’t shrug off her old rom-com image.

5. Avatar – Sam Worthington & Zoe Saldana

Avatar

We’re sure that James Cameron intended for his Na’vi love scene to be a beautiful, touching moment which signified the moment that the human character Jake was truly accepted by the blue-skinned indigenous natives of Pandora. Sadly the result – like most of the movie – is like watching some cheesy video game footage. Uncontent with letting his fictional alien race copulate the old-fashioned way, Cameron – ever the innovator – came up with a new way to film a sex scene. The Na’vi are apparently able to achieve ‘the ultimate intimacy’ (Cameron’s very own words in the original script) by joining and intertwining their hair tendrils together. This means they can feel each others nervous systems for what we’re sure leads to the ultimate pleasure. As the two share this trippy soul-bonding embrace under a weird neon jellyfish tree, it’s hard not to suddenly find the whole thing a bit too po-faced and silly.

4. Munich – Eric Bana & Ayelet Zurer

Munich is a very serious movie from Steven Spielberg which follows Mossad agents as they track down and kill the perpetrators of the terrorist group Black September after the massacre of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympic Games. By the end of the movie Eric Bana’s character (the leader of the Mossad team) is disillusioned and paranoid that the enemy will soon strike back so he returns home to his pregnant wife to lead a quiet life. In one of the movie’s final scenes, he is having sex with his wife when he starts having violent flashbacks of the Munich massacre. It’s obvious that Steven Spielberg is trying to show that the character is suffering from post-traumatic stress and personal conflict because of his line of work, but the sight of Eric Bana literally pouring with sweat and screaming out as he has sex with his wife is so over-exaggerated that it completely undermines the impact of the scene.

3. The Rock – Nicolas Cage & Vanessa Marcil

Leave it to Nicolas Cage to elevate the act of lovemaking to new levels of weirdness. This sex scene opens with Cage’s character murmuring “That’s very interesting…that’s very compelling” as the camera swoops around and shows his girlfriend riding on top of him on a romantically-lit rooftop. Cage continues to grimace and look completely confused before he starts up with even more sexy talk by comparing his girlfriend to “Amaretto cream with peach sorbet persuasion”. Thankfully, a phone call from the FBI interrupts the awkwardness and the scene ends before we have to see what a Nicolas Cage orgasm might look like.

2. The Room – Tommy Wiseau & Juliette Danielle

Every scene from Tommy Wiseau’s so-bad-its-good cult hit The Room can be picked apart for its terribleness, so it should come as no surprise to hear that the auteur of awfulness can’t film a sex scene to save his life. All of the movie’s erotic efforts fall completely flat, but the worst has to be the infamous scene between Johnny (Wiseau) and his fiancée, Lisa (Juliette Danielle). Classily shot through the hanging veil of a four poster bed, the sequence almost entirely consists of the camera swooping around the pair as they play with rose petals before Johnny starts grinding away on top. Like Wiseau’s performance in the rest of The Room, the whole thing is too weird and alien to be taken seriously.

Bonus

1. Showgirls – Kyle Maclachlan & Elizabeth Berkley

It may have got its stripping scenes right, but Showgirls was panned by critics and many considered it to be a strong contender for the dubious honour of ‘worst movie ever made’. Nevertheless, it quickly became an ‘ironic’ cult guilty pleasure for its hammy acting, melodramatic story and – let’s face it – gratuitous nudity. One of Showgirl’s weirdest scenes takes place in a pool as Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle Maclachlan engage in some water fun. Straddling McLachlan (who seems to be struggling to hold on), Berkley churns away at his torso with so much manic, epileptic energy that the water around them literally turns into a whirlpool. She then leans back and starts flailing her body and head in and out of the water, seemingly almost drowning in the process. It’s by far one of the most over the top orgasms ever acted out on film.